Some of you know the bare facts that I drank alcoholically at one time, was able to get into a treatment program, started going to those meetings where people go, and have been sober for a long time. And much more fun to be with. Today it's been 26 years since the last time I took a drink. I am eternally grateful that I don't have to drink today. What went on inside my head was infinitely more terrible than any outside manifestation of my stunted personality. Today I wake up remembering where I have been the night before and go to sleep peacefully and with a clear conscience. I probably started being dependent on it in about 1965 and that lasted through college, and a little more college, and a couple jobs, and my first really good job with the Police department here. Somewhere in there I was a pharmacy aide at one of the local hospitals and I never had a bad day on that job. Phenergan with codeine came in a little quarter pint bottle that fit snugly in any pocket. I had many pockets including some that could hold handfuls of pills too. I eventually became withdrawn and uncommunicative, started the process of alienating my immediate family and my only friend was a fine cat named Muffin who didn't give a shite (They say that in England) what condition I was in as long as she could sit on my lap and purr. On May the 17th, the day before I went into a treatment program I was told by the hospital people to try not to drink or use any pills until I got admitted in the morning. That's like saying "drink lots of water and don't piss." My last drink was a handful of sinus congestion pills because there was nothing in the house to drink and I was a crazy person and scared shiteless. All it did was dry me up so much that my nose bled. 10 every four hours. La!
Since I quit, I worked on a great anger that drove the remaining wedge between myself and family members; started going to those meeetings where, fortunately, they told me that I only had to believe in a God of my understanding, not some particular one. Which was good because my particular one was an asshole. I decided that sweet revenge would be to have a drink in front of everybody and shock them speechless. I never did that but it was fun thinking about it. And even with all that I don't remember much about my first year sober except that I went to a lot of those meetings and picked up a sponsor, a Big Brother, who was a lot happier than I was. I got out of a lot of useful work around the house by going to those meetings. And I got divorced some time after that. Just about 20 years ago. I have four kids who deserted me as a father and human being. With cause. And two who are now good friends, and a couple who don't want to talk to me yet. And other people's kids who think I am a Nice Guy and the cat's whiskers.
I laugh at all this stuff except when I remember it. It's my biggest reason for not taking the next drink. Life is good today, even sometimes when it isn't good. I've learned that life is going to happen no matter what I would like it to do and that the problem is in my head - my reaction - and not life, cruising merrily, sometimes shakily by. I do things today that most normal peopple do. I have good table manners except when I'm alone and make sandwiches on the bare table. I date (too many) women. But not at present. My drugs of choice are chocolate milk and pasta with marinara sauce - and tobacco - and caffeine. I take baths and don't have to crawl up stairways. I see one center line clearly when I drive.
And I'm a Big Brother myself today. A Sponsor. I have three little brothers, one of whom is older than I am, and a little sister. I don't call them that but, for you Earth people, that will describe it. I just share with them what worked for me in staying away from my alcohol and drugs. I've watched a lot of friends die from this disease by overdosing or wrapping their cars around trees, sometimes deliberately. I know about the terrible stuff in their head, I've been there. I was planning to kill my own self the day I got accepted into the hospital. Wrapping a truck around a tree seemed a lot more peaceful.
I have a disease that makes me allergic to chemicals that make me feel better, and the allergy engenders a craving that makes me think constantly about whether I have enough of anything potent to last me another day. On this May 18th, at 26 years sober, it's a sleeping dragon. It'll stay asleep as long as I do the next right thing. Long may we wave!
Since I quit, I worked on a great anger that drove the remaining wedge between myself and family members; started going to those meeetings where, fortunately, they told me that I only had to believe in a God of my understanding, not some particular one. Which was good because my particular one was an asshole. I decided that sweet revenge would be to have a drink in front of everybody and shock them speechless. I never did that but it was fun thinking about it. And even with all that I don't remember much about my first year sober except that I went to a lot of those meetings and picked up a sponsor, a Big Brother, who was a lot happier than I was. I got out of a lot of useful work around the house by going to those meetings. And I got divorced some time after that. Just about 20 years ago. I have four kids who deserted me as a father and human being. With cause. And two who are now good friends, and a couple who don't want to talk to me yet. And other people's kids who think I am a Nice Guy and the cat's whiskers.
I laugh at all this stuff except when I remember it. It's my biggest reason for not taking the next drink. Life is good today, even sometimes when it isn't good. I've learned that life is going to happen no matter what I would like it to do and that the problem is in my head - my reaction - and not life, cruising merrily, sometimes shakily by. I do things today that most normal peopple do. I have good table manners except when I'm alone and make sandwiches on the bare table. I date (too many) women. But not at present. My drugs of choice are chocolate milk and pasta with marinara sauce - and tobacco - and caffeine. I take baths and don't have to crawl up stairways. I see one center line clearly when I drive.
And I'm a Big Brother myself today. A Sponsor. I have three little brothers, one of whom is older than I am, and a little sister. I don't call them that but, for you Earth people, that will describe it. I just share with them what worked for me in staying away from my alcohol and drugs. I've watched a lot of friends die from this disease by overdosing or wrapping their cars around trees, sometimes deliberately. I know about the terrible stuff in their head, I've been there. I was planning to kill my own self the day I got accepted into the hospital. Wrapping a truck around a tree seemed a lot more peaceful.
I have a disease that makes me allergic to chemicals that make me feel better, and the allergy engenders a craving that makes me think constantly about whether I have enough of anything potent to last me another day. On this May 18th, at 26 years sober, it's a sleeping dragon. It'll stay asleep as long as I do the next right thing. Long may we wave!
I'm really proud of you.
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